ডাকবাংলা

Thirty. And a half. It’s a little terrifying, to be honest. The only question that people are really interested in asking me is – when are you getting married? Those close to me know how annoyed I become when asked this inane question – so they try and do it subtly. Or so they think. Dropping hints that aren’t so obvious. But they are. To me. Very obvious and very exasperating. 

This is not a rant. I am going to try my hardest to not let this turn into a rant. 

My brother and I have made it a habit to get some fresh air and a walk/jog on our building terrace every evening since the beginning of the pandemic. The other day, as we were walking and talking, I mentioned the new guy I was ‘crushing’ on and how I was stalking him on Instagram. My mother overheard bits of the conversation and was instantly inquisitive and excited at the prospect of a ‘man’ in my life. Someone I liked. An occurrence which is quite rare. But the minute she found out I was crushing on and stalking a Formula One driver – a sport that has captured my imagination ever since I watched the show Drive To Survive on Netflix, her reaction was one of utter disappointment. She said, “Koi vaar toh non-fictional chokra ne pasand kar,” which roughly translates to, please take a liking to a non-fictional man for once! Real men don’t match up to the fictional, I say. As a joke. I think. But I get a scowl in return. 

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the sportsman I was stalking was Carlos Sainz Jr. So talented (read cute) with an accent as warm as paella, heady as a Spanish rioja!

Crushes and jokes aside, the pandemic has forced everyone to re-think the way they live their lives. What is important, what is essential, what one can live without and what one cannot. This period of a year-and-half has been extremely self-exploratory for me as well. And while the conclusions that most have come to are very saintly – or the one they proclaim – that family and relationships are the only things worth living for and materialistic things are rubbish – my take on this is quite different. If anything, this pandemic has taught me that one has to learn to survive alone. There is no guarantee who will and won’t be there with you – to hold your hand, to help you out – the only person one can actually rely on is oneself. The term that comes to mind is self-sustainable. 

There have been numerous articles and studies about loneliness in the pandemic. An isolation that has been compounded by mass hysteria and anxiety. But loneliness is such a subjective experience. So personal and unique. Some might experience it in a room full of people. And some associate it with being alone. Covid-19 has ignited the debate on loneliness and the need for social company in the realm of public conversation during this past year and most studies suggest a significant increase in the so-called loneliness index. 

But why equate singlehood with loneliness? Is it true that everyone who is single is lonely? I, most certainly, am not.  

I come from a fairly liberal Gujarati family. Very liberal, actually. To give you an example, my younger brother is getting married this winter. Before me. And while I am really happy for him and looking forward to the celebrations, I know what every guest who attends the festivities will ask me. Or my family. Or will think at the very least, even if they have the courtesy to not say it out loud. My side of the family will ask this with sympathy or pity in their voices while my sister-in-law’s will wonder what is wrong with me. I have already warned my family that I am not going to be polite when asked about this. And neither should they. 

Is a woman’s worth solely defined by this one life event? How many cases of dowry-related deaths and suicides do we have to live through to understand that a woman’s life is not just about getting married? How many domestic violence deaths – such as 24-year old Vismaya Nair’s, who was allegedly tortured and harassed by her husband S Kiran Kumar, over dowry during the pandemic do we need to read about to even look at the price of marriage at any cost? 

Why is no one concerned about anything else that I might be doing? Am I successful? Am I healthy? Am I happy?

There is no dearth of real connections in my life, quite the opposite. I have a strong tribe of women who support me and my aspirations. They are always there – whether it be to spend an evening out and about town, or to lend an ear when I want to rant about the fake profiles on matrimonial websites who try to scam money out of me. I feel extremely comfortable sharing my life with them and they are my constant source of inspiration and companionship. 

An elderly cousin told my mother recently that once girls are ‘so old’ and ‘so independent’, with money they can call their own, they lose their ability to adjust and adapt. This, he inferred, is why I am unable to find a life partner. I was in the room when this conversation was taking place. And this cousin wasn’t some uneducated lout from the hinterland. He was an educated, US-returned pilot. And I have always really liked him — intelligent, funny and a riot at family functions. That changed once I heard him say this, I could never look at him the same way. Exchanges in this vein from the most unexpected quarters that bother me the most. 

Lest there is any misunderstanding, let me state that marriage is not off the table as far as I am concerned, far from it. Of course, I want to find someone to spend my life with. But the issue – and conversation – for me will always be about ‘if’ and not ‘when’. ‘If’ I find someone compatible. ‘If’ I find someone who is as ambitious, as driven as me. Or at least someone who understands and supports my drive and ambition.  

But it will never be marriage for the sake of a marriage. Most definitely will not be marriage for the sake of a particular age milestone. And not even for a global pandemic. Till then, I will survive whatever the world throws at me, even if it is something as dystopian and yet real as this pandemic, as a single and capable woman. 

Illustration by Suvamoy Mitra

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